Friday, August 30, 2013

Bow chicka bow-wow

Warning: Crude and more-than-likely-to-offend-somebody material to follow.  Which probably wouldn't surprise my regular readers, but I want to warn any newbies.  Ok?  Ok.  Now either read on or skip to the next blog on your reading list.
While Rhiannon & I were at the Farmers Market this morning, Paul called me on my cell phone and said that he thought Pickles and Lily were in heat.  I said that it was entirely possible as I think the dairy gals usually go into their first real heat cycle in September so the fact that the Boer ladies might be in heat seemed feasible.

I had thought that Boers were all-year breeders, but I hadn't noticed Lily or Pickles in heat since late winter.  My original plans were to have them both bred in early June for an early November kidding, but I couldn't pin down any specific time that they were cycling.  And the fact that Herman was more interested in head-butting them than sniffing their backsides wasn't a good sign either.

So I asked Paul to play Pimp Daddy and took advantage of his offer to supervise the goat breedings.

I'm normally the person playing match-maker between our buck and does, but since he was the one to mention it, I figured why not.  Honestly, I didn't really want them bred this early because I'm not crazy about having them kid at the end of January / beginning of February, but oh well.

Paul said that Herman eventually got one good "hit" with both of them, but when I got home I figured I'd haul them back in there for another go'round.  Lily was pretty much willing for a few minutes, but we practically had to sweet talk Herman into it.  He sniffed around, even did a little snort and two or three good tongue flapps, but that was it for foreplay.  I though we were going to have to bring out the PlayGoat magazines because it seemed as he was almost reluctant to mount her.  Not sure if he's holding out for a sexier goat or what.  Herman got her one time while I was in the pen with them, but then nothing more.  Not another tongue flap, snort or stomp.  Not even the "I think I'll piss in my face" routine.

So I kept Lily there and brought Pickles in too, hoping that a threesome would get him hot and ready for action.  No such luck.  He sniffed around a bit and that was it.

I know it's ungodly hot outside, but this has got to be the most un-horny goat I've ever come across.  Well, I guess it's really only the second buck goat we've had so I only have Pan to compare him to.  Pan was a total freaking prick, but he was a non-stop goat-luvn machine.  He'd try to breed a tractor tire if I put one in his pen, rutting season or not.  And you could always tell when the does were in heat because not only would he be snorting, flapping, pissing on himself, stomping and making a general ruckus, but the does would be wearing a trench in the area next to his pen from pacing back & forth.

So is Herman like a reluctant heterosexual?  Maybe he's one of those metro-sexual kind of goats and my gals are into rough and tough biker goats?
Ha'a'a'a'a'y Ba'a'a'aby!
Or maybe it's the reproductive organ.  (Here comes the gross part, but in my defense, I did warn you at the beginning).  Today was the first time I've seen Herman's penis.  Now don't go calling me a pecker-peeker or nothing, but as a farm gal that helps with the procreation of her livestock, I see my share of penises.  And, well, male livestock do tend to let things hang out once in a while.  I can't tell you how many times I've caught a glance of Pan's dinky-do during his time here.  And let me tell you, a goat penis is the most disgusting, gawd-awful looking piece of flesh I've ever laid eyes on.  I recall telling someone that a goat's penis looks like a garter snake that was run over by a lawnmower.

But when I caught a glance of Herman's winky, it wasn't nearly as bad looking as Pan's.  Or maybe my mind is just now numb to the sight of livestock reproductive organs swaying in the breeze.  But maybe a nice looking package is a turn-off to does?  I don't know.  But the fortune in Herman's Fortune Cookie of Life may be written on a tiny slip of butcher paper.

I wrote down today's date in my farm calendar and if Lily & Pickles don't come into heat again in another three weeks, I guess we'll be having our first Boer goat kids at Krazo Acres at the end of (chilly!) January.


  1. Our billy goats were the nastiest animals we have had, when they weren't humping something male or female, they had their tool out pissing on their own face. I could go out in the dark and locate one from the nasty smell. They would mate anything that wouldn't move.

  2. Carolyn, m'dear, you are hysterically funny! Who but you could write an account like this? I think you covered all the bases (even though Herman perhaps didn't) so this will be a helpful record for you to look back on if Hermie got the job done . . . or if he didn't.

    Paul did say Herman "got one good 'hit' with both of them" so maybe he does know what he's doing (or is supposed to do) and is just easily . . . um, uh, er . . . satiated??

  3. I don't care what anyone thinks, that there is funny! In the words of what's his name. Right now my buck, John Henry, is THE stinkiest, most nasty smelling piece of flesh on this farm. And probably in the whole big ole county. It's seems to be happening early this year. But oh my, I am already looking forward to January. I sure am glad rams don't stink because them being together right now would make me have to just up and leave this farm til then.

  4. So here I am minding my own business when the two ladies in the next pen go into heat. They are whistling at me and making catcalls looking at me like I am a piece of meat all the while munching on that stink weed I don't like. Just as I was getting ready to sleep in the shade the guy comes over and puts these two sex starved stink weed smelling goats in with me and expects me to like service em both.

    While he watches... Perv.

    I am like "Dude a guy needs some recovery time"

    All the while he is just watchin and leering at me. Perv.

    Then the real perv shows up. Not only is she expecting to watch me get it on with both these girls at the same time and critiquing my foreplay abilities but she's sneaking looks at my johnson. Perv.

    Seriously a guy just can't perform under these circumstances. Not and have any self respect anyway.

    Signed Herman.

  5. Carolyn, had me laughing so hard. It started with the warning sign and went down hill from there. Me that is, I fell off my chair laughing!!!!

    Hopefully come 3 weeks there will be no HEAT.

    Keeping my fingers cross.

  6. I've got a big decision to make after reading this. I've never seen a goat penis and by your description I want to know how disgusting it is. But, they are capturing all our data and keeping it for some reason or another, right? So, do I want some agent pulling up my list of internet searches someday and telling the public I had a thing for goat penis images? LOL, what do I do!?

  7. Ew, they piss on their won faces? If I ever get goats it's going to be just does. That's sounds pretty stinking foul!!!

  8. Sunnybrook, When we had Pan out in the "back yard", I could NOT put out my laundry on the line to dry for MONTHS because of the stink. Herman is no where near as stinky.

    Mama Pea, I hope Herman was satisified, because it may be his last time if we don't get some kids out of it.

    PP, I have to admit, you've enlightened us all on the male's point of view.

    Sandy, I wouldn't mind if this time it didn't take because I'm not really looking forward to kidding in the freezing weather. But I'm NOT looking forward to playing match-maker again.

    Kathy, Just go ahead and google it, I'm sure you'll find some "interesting" pics of them. And come on, load your hard drive up with goat penis and other funky stuff so when the Feds come crashing into your home & confiscate your computer, you can freak them out with all the funky stuff you'll have on there!

    Nancy, Yes. And even with their mouth open. Our Nigerian Dwarf buck, Pan, was the most disgusting animal I've ever seen. Seriously. I challenge anyone to find another animal as foul as a buck goat in rut.

  9. So, if someone had Herman as their first buck, imagine the surprise they would have when they got a REAL buck! They truly are nasty!
    I hope (for Herman's sake) that he got the job done; although, late January is a tough time to be kidding.